i'm sitting here, listening to disney songs.

Here I sit, alone and quiet. My dad is in the next room, breathing loudly. My dad is annoyed at me for no apparent reason, and so I'm staying away.

I'm listening to disney music, close to tears. Despite everything, I still want to be a kid. I don't want to grow up anymore, I want to grow back down.

i said no.

I tried, I tried to say no. I did say no. I stopped you. I told you my reason.

That was until I stopped saying no, and started saying "I shouldn't, but..."

I told you I wanted snuggling, and cuteness and talking and all that.  Then you stopped.  That was until you started again, and I couldn't say no. I couldn't say no anymore, and I just let you. Until you wanted something in return, and I wasn't sure.

So we lay back down, and you kissed me. And then, well, it happened.

And now all I can think about it you, and I hate it, and I have to stop even though I'm already hurt.

my moment of panic.

the girl who fancied you is now in a relationship.

my heart stops, and i cry, and i post on my tumblr about how fucking sad i am because i tell myself that i can't have you. you're not in anyway mine anymore.


until i see that she's in a relationship with another boy, not you.

and i cry from sheer relief. and i'm glad i didn't do what i was thinking of. and i'll see you tomorrow. and i'll love you like i now have to admit i do.

I can't believe myself.

I know I shouldn't, but I just can't get enough of him. I just want to spend all the time in the world with him.  I shouldn't let myself go like this, but its him. I've liked him for a while now. Everything he does makes me want him.  I know we shouldn't have gone down that alley, and I shouldn't have let him get my back to the wall.  I shouldn't of kisses him back, and I should have kept saying no.  But he kissed me and no turned into yes. I just can't but fall for him.  So we walked, and we talked some more.  Until he had to go, and found myself back to a wall again.  And then I was kissing him again, and it was perfect.  Until he undid his belt, and I said no.  He didn't take no, he wanted you. And he got his yes.  And now it's screwed up my head even more.  And I don't know what to do with myself.

I can't get you out of my mind, and it's a strange feeling.  I don't want to say it, but I think I love him.  I don't want too, but I can't help it.

• Its the way he makes me feel when I hug him.  
• Its the way I just want to melt into his arms.
• Its the way he talks to be about everything.
• Its the way he cares about me.
• Its the way he kisses me, softly, slowly.
• Its the way he touches me.
• Its him.

you.

You, being mister lovely, being mister perfect.  You, being amazing, kind, sweet and, well, you.
You walked me home, you gave me your hoodie, and hugged me.  I told myself I'd not let myself feel this way, but I do.  After everything that happened, you broke up with your girlfriend.  The girl you fancied for a bit now goes out with your best friend, and that just leaves us.
I'm sorry I feel like this, I know it's bad.  But, what am I going to do, you are amazing.

well, here is the backstory.

I'm writing this to vent how I am feeling, because believe it or not, fat people feel shit too.

I'm not dwelling on the past, thats for sure.  Things have happened than I don't really want to tell you this.  As far as I'm concerned, the past is a month or more ago.
This is going back 2 weeks.  He had a girlfriend at this time, but he kissed me anyway.  He, from now on, shall be called James. Thats not his name, but for these purposes, it might as well be. We were playing truth, dare, double dare, love, kiss & promise. Ya'know, spin the bottle and do the shit.  Well, me being the only female and him being the only kissable boy, we ended up kissing.  Like 5 times.  The rule said that said kiss has to get more progressive each time, and trust me it did.  It started with a peck, then a bit longer, and longer still. In the end, we were practically eating eachothers faces.  James walked me home, and we hugged.  He whispered in my ear "we've already..." and we kissed again.  Long, passionate, slow, fireworks and all that fuckery.  I walked in like nothing had happened but my brain was spontaneously combusting inside my head.
The day after was halloween, and we went trick or treating.  I was a slutty witch and he was a vampire - teeth an' all.  We walked around our crappy village for a while, then a few of us went back to the studio to watch Saw 3.  Me being me, hating Saw films, was quite content hiding behind a blanket and snuggling.  James wanted more.  Everytime the other people left the studio, we'd make out he'd pull me closer and kiss me.  It was mid-movie, he looks at me, says "are you ok, it's not too bad, is it?" to which I reply "it's not great."  He puts his hands in my hair and kisses me, and it's perfect.  Hands went on thighs and I stopped him and said "hey, you still have a girlfriend."  He surprised me when he said "if I really cared about her, then I won't have kissed you."  We carried on kissing because his girlfriend is a bit of a bitch.  It hit 10 o'clock, and we both had to be home, so we stopped in our spot on the middle of the road.  As we were walking there, he was mumbling "I'm sorry about the past couple of days. I'm sorry, I am. It won't happen again."  He stopped, looked me in the eyes and said "starting tomorrow."  And we kissed, and hands were in hair, and on arse, and then in tights and before I knew it, I felt cold fingers.  After, we walked away, turns back and says "shh, don't tell anyone."

To be honest, I think he's fucked with my head.  Before, I wanted long term.  I wanted love, and truth and perfection.  Now, I just want him.