well, here is the backstory.

I'm writing this to vent how I am feeling, because believe it or not, fat people feel shit too.

I'm not dwelling on the past, thats for sure.  Things have happened than I don't really want to tell you this.  As far as I'm concerned, the past is a month or more ago.
This is going back 2 weeks.  He had a girlfriend at this time, but he kissed me anyway.  He, from now on, shall be called James. Thats not his name, but for these purposes, it might as well be. We were playing truth, dare, double dare, love, kiss & promise. Ya'know, spin the bottle and do the shit.  Well, me being the only female and him being the only kissable boy, we ended up kissing.  Like 5 times.  The rule said that said kiss has to get more progressive each time, and trust me it did.  It started with a peck, then a bit longer, and longer still. In the end, we were practically eating eachothers faces.  James walked me home, and we hugged.  He whispered in my ear "we've already..." and we kissed again.  Long, passionate, slow, fireworks and all that fuckery.  I walked in like nothing had happened but my brain was spontaneously combusting inside my head.
The day after was halloween, and we went trick or treating.  I was a slutty witch and he was a vampire - teeth an' all.  We walked around our crappy village for a while, then a few of us went back to the studio to watch Saw 3.  Me being me, hating Saw films, was quite content hiding behind a blanket and snuggling.  James wanted more.  Everytime the other people left the studio, we'd make out he'd pull me closer and kiss me.  It was mid-movie, he looks at me, says "are you ok, it's not too bad, is it?" to which I reply "it's not great."  He puts his hands in my hair and kisses me, and it's perfect.  Hands went on thighs and I stopped him and said "hey, you still have a girlfriend."  He surprised me when he said "if I really cared about her, then I won't have kissed you."  We carried on kissing because his girlfriend is a bit of a bitch.  It hit 10 o'clock, and we both had to be home, so we stopped in our spot on the middle of the road.  As we were walking there, he was mumbling "I'm sorry about the past couple of days. I'm sorry, I am. It won't happen again."  He stopped, looked me in the eyes and said "starting tomorrow."  And we kissed, and hands were in hair, and on arse, and then in tights and before I knew it, I felt cold fingers.  After, we walked away, turns back and says "shh, don't tell anyone."

To be honest, I think he's fucked with my head.  Before, I wanted long term.  I wanted love, and truth and perfection.  Now, I just want him.