I don't even know what to do any more.  Do I want to cry?  Do I want to tell someone everything?  Do I want a hug, or do I just want to be left alone?  I don't know.

There's nothing I can do when it's not my mess to sort out?  Then why do I feel like this?

i haven't posted in ages, but here's a whole fucking load.

i feel like shit for no reason.

i'm a jealous bitch and i hate myself.

someone kill me now.

that, or come cuddle with me and tell me it'll be ok.

i've got to learn to stop caring.

am I to blame?

M and G have been together for a year, and they broke up yesterday.  M messaged G telling him that she was annoyed by G and me flirting and how G was being a terrible boyfriend. She told him she loved him but couldn't have a boyfriend at the time. He said well let's just end it, and they did.

Is it my fault they broke up?  How she'd tell me that he was really mine, how she thought we flirted and how we were close friends?  I was nicer to him than she ever was, she cheated on him but I was there for him no matter. She was always on about how he pissed her off.

He doesn't reckon they'll be friends anymore.

woah, i haven't posted in a while.

i'm sitting here, listening to disney songs.

Here I sit, alone and quiet. My dad is in the next room, breathing loudly. My dad is annoyed at me for no apparent reason, and so I'm staying away.

I'm listening to disney music, close to tears. Despite everything, I still want to be a kid. I don't want to grow up anymore, I want to grow back down.

i said no.

I tried, I tried to say no. I did say no. I stopped you. I told you my reason.

That was until I stopped saying no, and started saying "I shouldn't, but..."

I told you I wanted snuggling, and cuteness and talking and all that.  Then you stopped.  That was until you started again, and I couldn't say no. I couldn't say no anymore, and I just let you. Until you wanted something in return, and I wasn't sure.

So we lay back down, and you kissed me. And then, well, it happened.

And now all I can think about it you, and I hate it, and I have to stop even though I'm already hurt.

my moment of panic.

the girl who fancied you is now in a relationship.

my heart stops, and i cry, and i post on my tumblr about how fucking sad i am because i tell myself that i can't have you. you're not in anyway mine anymore.


until i see that she's in a relationship with another boy, not you.

and i cry from sheer relief. and i'm glad i didn't do what i was thinking of. and i'll see you tomorrow. and i'll love you like i now have to admit i do.